


Genuinely, the Cruelest Thing I've Ever Written

by DilynAliceBlake



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Ed is cursed, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24266134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DilynAliceBlake/pseuds/DilynAliceBlake
Summary: Once is chance.  Twice is coincidence.  Thrice is a pattern.  Everyone Ed loves is doomed to die, so he'll continue hating Oswald to his last breath.( The Nygmob discord server went off a while ago, and I'm putting off the fic I owe them by cleaning this up to post. )
Relationships: Edward Nygma/Leslie Thompkins, Isabella/Edward Nygma, Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Comments: 4
Kudos: 44





	1. The First Instance

Ed develops late. He doesn't start talking until he's almost old enough for kindergarten. Well- that's not entirely true. He whispers to his stuffed animals, and echoes noises and words he likes. But he doesn't say anything specifically to a person until Krissy is born.

He's a big brother, and supposed to protect her. He vows to her sleeping form solemnly that he will, and tells her he'll love her always.

When she dies, they call it SIDS.


	2. Chapter 2

He doesn't talk again at all for a long time after that. He didn't pick her up, didn't touch her. Everyone insists you can't kill someone just by whispering when he stiltedly points out a confession on the communication board. Ed doesn't risk it.

He doesn't, until the first time he feels hate. Another student goes yelling to the class aid about how the dummy spoke, and when the teacher rushes over to ask if he said something- it wasn't important when Ed's pens where getting stolen and his feet stomped but now he's worth the attention- he responds with a solemn, petrified, incensed "Yes."

He doesn't find out it's the specific words- his _love_ that does the killing- until much later.


	3. The Second Instance

It takes Ed a while to get the hang of talking instead of using a communication board or signing. His therapist has him try riddles and tongue twisters to get him used to using his voice. She's insistent that if he practices saying things just to say things, saying things because he has something to say will come easier.

When he says "I love you" to his goldfish because talking doesn't have to be to a person if you're nervous, it goes belly up.


	4. The Third Instance

'Twice is not a pattern' he thinks.

'Don't say it don't say it don't say it.'

"I love you," he tells his mom, who never treats him like he's stupid or slow. She trips on the rug in surprise. Ed sits there in shock for the time between when his bus ran and when his dad gets home. All he can smell is blood.

When he finally explains what happened, his therapist and the paramedics say it wasn't his fault. Ed and his dad know better.

"Why didn't you call for an ambulance when she fell? Why'd you startle her? You're such an idiot!"

Without his mom's part time job, and with the added costs of his dad's new drinking habits, they can't afford to keep up with Ed's therapy.


	5. And Again

Pets don't work out for Ed, and fear keeps him from making friends. He meets Kristen Kringle on the job. Red hair, just like Krissy's, a few months older than his sister would be. Ed watches her, worries for her. He wants to protect her, to see her smile. He can't bring himself to say her first name.

Whether he's in love with her romantically, or his feelings are just a projection of his past, all twisted up, doesn't matter. It's enough.

"I would never hurt you! I love you!" he insists, and knows instantly it was a mistake. The evidence, he knows, won't weigh in his favor. That is, as long as there's evidence to find.


	6. Obfuscation of Emotion

The riddle doesn't end with Oswald dead, and Ed swears he won't ever take the risk again. Oswald's friendship will be enough. Sitting on the couch after the red hood gang ordeal, staring into his eyes , he almost slips up. "I would do anything for you, Oswald," he tells him, and it's true. For Oswald, he will ignore these feelings. For Oswald, he will move on.

"I think I'm in love," Ed performs, and he's not, or he wouldn't say it, not even to someone else, but he has to stop Oswald before he confesses and Ed can't say "I love you" back.

Or worse, he confesses and Ed does.


	7. Seeing Ghosts in Her Form

Glasses just like his, just like Miss Kringle's, 'Would Krissy have had glasses, would she have loved to read,' and Ed flees in a panic.

He comes back later and her hair is red red red.

He can't remember who he's killing, through his tears. Red hair and glasses, like his mother covered in blood when he didn't call anyone and so she just kept bleeding. Red hair and glasses, it's almost Krissy's birthday again, she was never old enough to have one. Red hair and glasses, Miss Kringle had been so afraid, and he had known better by then.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you, I didn't mean to hurt you!" he sobs, shaking, and Isabella is in his grip once more. When she doesn't trip, doesn't suddenly seize, he thinks that maybe it was all in his head the whole time. Maybe it wasn't his fault at all. Then he's staring down at her corpse on a slab, and he didn't love her but he'd felt love and he'd said the words. He'd as good as given her sleeping pills.


	8. Accursed, Truly

Someone else killed her- 'red red red they were all dead'- killed Isabella, and Ed hates whoever did it. Whoever killed her (" _Which her_?" Riddler taunts.) deserves to die, deserves to suffer. He didn't kill her, he didn't, he wouldn't-

He swore revenge, so he'll see it through, and does it even matter any more if it was coincidence or real, but "I don't love you," he hisses, and prays Oswald will escape, will live. Let him use this curse for good, give him something back for all that was taken, all that he'd destroyed.


	9. Leslie's Interlude

Lee lives through his faked confession, so he tries a bomb, tries to imagine her dark hair belongs to someone else. In the end, Lee does die, but not before stabbing him. They both come back from it.


	10. Denial, Thy Name Is Self-Sacrifice

The court of owls, the car, the docks. It doesn't matter where, when, why. Every time he and Penguin see each other, Ed repeats his mantra.

"I don't love you, I'll never love you," he insists against his choking adoration. It's almost like a charm, and as many times as Oswald almost dies, Ed wonders if maybe he hasn't saved his life with the web of deceit he's built. If those he loves die, are those he hates immortal?

It's good that Oswald hates him now, because Ed can never risk the truth coming to light.

If fate notices, she'll undoubtedly correct her mistake.


	11. Through All Else, Remember That I Don't Love You

"I get it, you're straight!" Oswald shouts at him one day, and Ed blinks behind green frames, owlish and confused.

"Why would you think that?" he asks, intrigued, because Riddler has, despite his weird confusion of a romantic history, never once said or insinuated an interest solely in women. Maybe with such a small sample size of men- "I don't love you," he says absently, out of habit, and realizes too late the picture he's just painted when Oswald chokes on a sob.

"You know, I think perhaps you being homophobic would have been kinder," Oswald warbles, and Ed rushes to comfort him in a panic.

"No, Oswald, I'm sorry, that sounded- I don't mean I couldn't love you, I mean, I don't love you, I mean, I can't love you, but it's not because I'm straight- I- It isn't your fault-"

Oswald manages a laugh through his tears.

"It's not you it's me, huh, Ed? Would you please just leave."

"I didn't-"

" _Leave_!" Oswald screams, temper flaring, and Ed retreats in shame.


	12. The Evidence of Your Affections, Plain

For five months, Ed doesn't see or hear anything of The Penguin.

On Krissy's birthday, another year gone by she'll never see, Oswald is waiting for him at her little polished grave.

He's holding a binder Ed recognizes, clumsily drawn lizards and fish all across its front.

The memory of his therapist's voice echoes.

_"This will be your file, Edward. Would you like to decorate it?"_

Edward Nashton is written along the binding, 19XX-19XX.


	13. Faced With Truth At Last

"You know, when I went looking it was because I wanted to hurt you as badly as you'd hurt me," Oswald says quietly, but Ed is already shaking his head in denial, already can't breathe from the panic.

"I thought at first that it was a stupid wish," Oswald continues, fingers tracing a labelled goldfish drawing. Mr. Turtle, the writing proclaims, Mr. Turtle who went belly up at Ed's timid whisper so many years ago.

"But then I got to thinking. To hoping. It was only a few weeks after your mother's death that, against recommendation, you quit attending. The notes had a lot to say about the possible damage trauma like that could carry over into your life. It's the kind of thing that probably stays with you into adulthood. When I was in your apartment and you said love was a weakness, Ed. When you said you loved Kristin" the emphasis on the first name makes Ed flinch, "You meant it was your weakness."

Oswald's grip on the ragged binder is tight now, the plastic bending under his hands.

"Have you been- Do you- Ed I need to understand. I need to know I'm not imagining this. When you missed our dinner and said you'd met that woman, I thought I was too late, but you knew what I was going to say, didn't you? You were protecting me. All this time, all these years, you've been trying to protect me! _Haven't you_?"

Rocking back and forth, hugging himself to keep from rushing to confess, Ed breathes the words again through his tears.

"I don't love you- I don't, I don't, please don't make me, please I can't say it-"

Oswald drops the binder.


	14. Epiphany- Charade Doth Crumble

"You love me," he breathes, reverent and even still disbelieving, into the skin of Edward's neck, arms tight around him in comfort.

"NO! No no no nononono," Ed insists, frantic "I don't love you, we're enemies, we hate each other, I don't-"

"Shhhh," Oswald soothes, rubbing gentle circles onto his back and humming.

"It's okay. It's okay, I'll never make you- I understand, Ed. I understand now, it's okay. You don't love me, alright?" Oswald croons soothingly, and Ed can finally feel air hitting his lungs again.

"You can't die," he chokes out, "Please don't leave me alone."

"I'm not going anywhere, Eddie. No matter how you feel."


	15. Epilogue; Happily Ever After

There comes a day, long after Oswald has insisted forgiveness for everything Ed has finally gotten to apologize for, that Edward cannot force the word "don't" past his throat. All those years saying it, it seems silly that he would lose the words now, when Oswald beams at him every morning when it's the first thing out of Ed's mouth, a gentle secret whispered between them. But perhaps years of lying have taken their toll, because Oswald whispers sweet nothings to him, curled up together in their bed, and Ed opens his mouth to respond and nothing comes out.

Oswald watches him struggle and instantly goes to soothe him.

"You don't have to say it, sweetheart," he insists, just like always when he thinks Ed is trying to reciprocate. 

"I know that!" Ed harrumphs, and opens his mouth again.

'I don't love you,' he wants to tell Oswald, like always, armor for the day, a code shared just between them.

'I don't love you,' he usually says, and means just the opposite. 'I don't love you,' when he says it nowadays, means 'I would give you up to protect you, I would do anything for you, I'd rather you hate me forever than face a day without you in this world.'

Ed knows that, and Oswald knows that, but the words stay heavy where they're lodged.

"You're my everything," he settles on, and watches the change light Oz's features with joy.

"You're mine," Oswald tells him right back.

And they lived happily ever after.


End file.
